3 Mind-Tools that beat positive thinking.
From the Happiness PhD Project with Jackson Kerchis...
What’s better than positive thinking?
The answer: drugs and alcohol.
(Just kidding.)
In this article, I share three tools to manage your mind that are more concrete and effective than positive thinking.
Imagine. You’re anxious and discouraged because you’re not following through on commitments you’ve made to yourself that are needed to reach your goals. So you say to yourself again and again, “I am the best. I have it all. I am amazing…”
What does your mind say?
“Shut up! You haven’t done crap. What are you talking about?”
Then you’re thinking, wait — why isn’t this working? Your positive thinking is now causing negative thinking. You’re stressed about your stress.
Meanwhile, you haven’t really changed how you relate to yourself or the processing of your perceptions. So, instead, try these mind tools.
Act your way into thinking (instead of thinking about acting).
Try the Lo-Me-Hi frames so that you see reality as it is (but not worse than it is).
Use the self-parenting dynamic.
You’re more likely to act yourself into a new way of thinking than think yourself into a new way of acting.
You can sit around and think and think and think — but the moment you act, it’s real. You need proof. It’s hard to change the mind with the mind, so focus on changing action to change the mind.
For example, when seeking confidence, thinking “be more confident” is less effective than smiling and approaching the situation without hesitation (pretending to be certain). And when seeking composure, thinking “calm down, calm down” is less effective than doing three physiological sighs (google it).
The same holds true for the long term. If you want to be more disciplined, more positive, more social, more spiritual, etc., you are far more likely to make progress by acting a whole bunch than you are by thinking.
Do one thing that makes you uncomfortable every day (discipline). Give one compliment every day (positive). Call/text a friend every day (social). Go for a walk in the woods every day and go to church weekly (spiritual). In each of these cases, acting will change your way of thinking more than thinking will.
As James Clear put it, “choose who you want to be and prove it to yourself with small wins.”
Use the Lo-Me-Hi approach to see reality as it is (but not worse than it is).
Psychologists say explanatory style — e.g., how you explain events — shapes your pessimism versus optimism. In my experience watching my mind, we tend to default to some way-off-track explanations when things happen to us (especially anything emotional).
So try explaining it through three lenses. Lo is the worst possible explanation. Anything bad that happens is because you’re a fat stupid idiot and you deserve it (fun!).
Hi is the ridiculously delusional explanation: that beautiful girl ignored my texts and it’s not because she’s engaged and out of my league, it’s because I am so freaking attractive and cool that I probably scared her off.
Then once you have gotten a good laugh at your own thinking, come back to Me — try to shoot the gap with an explanation that is a bit more aligned with reality.
This helps you to observe your own distorted thinking and renew some sanity.
Try to relate to yourself (your mind) as a parent.
I was coaching a top sales performer. He was hammering himself for getting distracted and not setting boundaries and not being good enough. So, I asked him to think for a second how he would coach, motivate, and discipline his kids?
What if you were to relate to yourself that way in terms of your self-management?
Think about it, even if you don’t have kids, you’ll get it. Imagine your daughter strikes out in her softball game. Do you say, “you dumbsh— why don’t you try opening your eyes next time?!”
Probably not. Now, if you know she didn’t practice at all, you may still challenge her and create discipline. But you are doing it from a place of belief, love, and support. It’s not about pure positivity; it’s high challenge and high support. It’s a loving discipline grounded in unconditional care and respect. That’s unique to parenting.
Contrast that with how we (including myself) normally relate to ourselves (especially when it comes to doing something better).
If you really want a more effective relationship with yourself, be a parent to your mind.
Act your way into thinking. Use Lo-Me-Hi to evoke awareness of your own processing pattern. And bring the loving discipline of a good parent to your mind. Use these tools to navigate your mind a bit more skillfully.
Your happiness nerd,
Jackson K
