Relationships & Happiness

Happiness Encyclopedia X from the Happiness PhD Project...

The year is 1938.

You have a group of mostly 18-year-old guys from the poorest neighborhoods and toughest backgrounds in Boston. You have another group of guys the same age from Harvard. You and your team are going to meet with them and review their lives every single year for the rest of their lives.

As it turns out, it wouldn’t stop there. The study continues to this day, nearly 100 years running, across multiple generations.

What do you think made the difference in the quality of people’s lives?

Was it which of these two groups they were in – privileged or poor? No. Was it what they studied or their grades? No. Was it their fitness or diet? No. Was it how successful they were? No.

The real significant predictor of living “the good life” was relationships. The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life. Across not only that group but across multiple generations, they found that relationships and social connection predict not only how happy you are but how long you live. (1)

Given the work I do, people often ask, what’s the secret to happiness or the key to happiness? And the truth is, there is no one thing. But I do believe the top priority should be relationships. This isn’t a popularity contest either, or saying you have to find your soulmate. It’s more like this: for those who do have a partner, it’s about having a healthy relationship, and beyond that, having a “tribe” of close friends and connection to community.

So how do we effectively cultivate relationships? That’s what we’ll cover here.

First, let’s step back and consider the different types of relationships. I’d argue that they are all grounded in love. But modern English does a pretty poor job of capturing this. The Greeks had some ten different words for love. I suggest three are most important:

1. Romantic / Partner type love

2. Friend / Family type love

3. Altruism / “Agape” – a care for others, love of humankind and the world – think of how you can “just love people” (or dogs may be easier for some of us)

Research suggests each has its place.

Ed Diener and Martin Seligman – two giants of positive psychology – have written that “social relationships form a necessary (but not sufficient) condition for high happiness: that is, they do not guarantee high happiness, but it does not appear to occur without them.”

Let’s start with romantic and partnership love drawing on the work of social scientist and author, Arthur Brooks. (2) The best romantic partnerships are about complementarity. Think of the phrase “he or she completes me.” It’s like two puzzle pieces that fit together, as opposed to carbon copies.

There are really two processes at work when falling in love. You have a passion component that lasts up to a few years and a companionship component that should continue developing over time. Interestingly, brain scans of people in this first passion state resemble those of drug addicts. So yes, you want to have attraction and compatibility in the beginning. But this is where complementarity – how well you complement each other – comes in. You intentionally build a lasting partnership based on shared commitment, understanding, and stable affection. This, as opposed to the “rush” of passion, is the optimal relationship dynamic.

Recently, I was at a conference with several multi-millionaires in financial services. The conversation took an interesting turn as they each complained about how much they were paying in taxes on their second homes (poor guys!). The subject turned to how alimony and child support were not tax deductible – they found this outrageous.

One guy detailed how he couldn’t write off his payments to his ex-wife on his state tax return. Then another guy chimed in, “Isn’t it crazy?” And a third agreed. Finally, a fourth added that he’s been paying alimony for years and never gotten a break.

And I thought – are you kidding me? How is it that all these wildly successful, intelligent men are so lousy in their relationships?

Continuing on from our recipe from Dr. Brooks, it’s perhaps equally important to focus on what not to do.

It turns out a psychologist by the name of John Gottman has decoded what makes for successful and unsuccessful romantic partnerships. He has studied thousands of couples in a lab and found that those who engage in what he calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are heading for trouble.

1. Contempt — Rooting for your partner to fail.

2. Criticism — Seeking and sharing faults.

3. Stonewalling — Shutting down or refusing to engage in meaningful dialogue.

4. Defensiveness — Refusing to open up.

To avoid relationship apocalypse, focus on humor, gratitude, forgiveness, and disclosure. Take your relationship seriously but never yourself. Hunt for things to be thankful for - and share them. Forgive. And share with vulnerability.

Family and friendship, of course, exist on a spectrum from acquaintances to best friends and siblings – often people can be just as close to their best friend as they are to a sibling.

The most relevant research here comes from the work of two psychologists: the Aarons. They brought people into the lab and were able to create a scenario that rapidly brought people together. It is sometimes called the “fast friends protocol.” They had people answer 36 questions that gradually became more deep and intimate. They found that participants often left as lifelong friends. The mechanism at work there was “escalating mutual disclosure.”

Think about what that term means for a second. It means I’m going to push you to open up and share something vulnerable, then I reciprocate with something personal, and then you reciprocate with something deeper. This creates a “tit-for-tat” dynamic where the level of intimacy escalates (so to speak) until you become quite close.

This really just short-circuits the usual pattern of building a friendship or closer connection with a family member. We start out maybe with, “Oh, this weather is really something,” or “How about that baseball game?” Then it may become more like, “How is your family doing?” or “What’s going on in your life?” And eventually, it may get to some deep conversations around challenges, regrets, fears, and so on.

To deepen friendships and family relationships, focus on setting aside intentional time together, give your full attention and curiosity, and don’t be afraid to go deeper with vulnerability.

There is an entire discussion we could have here about the psychodynamics of family relationships and parental dynamics – for the sake of time, I’ll save that for another book.

Finally, we can consider altruistic or prosocial (agape) relationships. Again, this represents social connection with a broader network that we are not as close to. This often-overlooked category of relationships is sometimes called “micro-interactions.”

Our lifestyles these days have seemingly been engineered to remove these small social interactions. And it’s to our detriment.

Dr. Nicholas Epley at the University of Chicago has done research where they ask people to predict how social interaction will affect their happiness. For example, on your train ride to work this morning, if you start a small conversation with a stranger, what will happen?

Most people predict it will be awkward or uncomfortable – it will be a net reduction in happiness. Then they have people actually do it and find a significant boost to happiness. (3) Dr. Gillian Sandstrom’s research supports this as well, finding that “weak ties” are supportive of happiness and wellbeing. (4)

Harvard researcher Dr. Michael Norton did a study where they gave people $5 or $20 to spend on themselves or a stranger. The group that spent it on others showed a sizable increase in happiness persisting for several days, whereas the group who spent it on themselves showed no change. (5)

Again, we see how a prosocial interaction with a “weak tie” can go a long way. This speaks to the role of altruism as well. Studies have linked compassion and this more prosocial orientation to improved health and happiness.

An excellent popular science summary of this research comes from Dr. Stephen Post. (6) In his article “It’s Good to Be Good: Science Says It’s So,” he explores the scientific basis behind the age-old wisdom that helping others improves the helper’s own well-being. Drawing on decades of research, it shows that acts of prosocial behavior (this “agape” idea) – whether through volunteer work, caregiving, or charitable giving – confer measurable psychological and physical benefits to the giver. These include lower rates of depression, improved mood and self-esteem, enhanced immune function, and even increased longevity.

The “helper’s high,” a euphoric sensation tied to doing good, has been linked to activation in the brain’s reward systems, providing a biological explanation for why giving feels good.

He cites numerous studies spanning contexts from addiction recovery and chronic illness support to intergenerational volunteering and philanthropy. Programs like Alcoholics Anonymous illustrate how helping others aids personal recovery, while patients with chronic illnesses like cancer or multiple sclerosis experience improved emotional and physical health when supporting peers. Longitudinal research has shown that those who volunteer regularly live longer, and even adolescents benefit, with increased social competence and reduced risk behaviors. The data overwhelmingly support the conclusion that prosocial behavior strengthens both individual resilience and societal well-being.

That said, the article also acknowledges caveats. Too much self-sacrifice, particularly among caregivers and helpers who lack time for self-renewal, can lead to burnout or “compassion fatigue.” Nonetheless, the evidence suggests that doing good for others is not just morally right but also a practical strategy for a longer, happier, and healthier life.

As the Beatles sang, “love is all you need.” Focus on love for others (altruism), friends and family, and a partner and you’ll have the foundation for lasting happiness.

1. Dr. Robert Waldinger’s TEDx Talk: “What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness”

2. Based on Arthur Brooks’ course on Understanding the Science of Love

3. Epley, N., & Schroeder, J. (2014, July 14). Mistakenly Seeking Solitude. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General.

4. Sandstrom GM, Dunn EW. Social Interactions and Well-Being: The Surprising Power of Weak Ties. Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 2014 Jul;40(7):910-922.

5. Aknin LB, Barrington-Leigh CP, Dunn EW, Helliwell JF, Burns J, Biswas-Diener R, Kemeza I, Nyende P, Ashton-James CE, Norton MI. Prosocial spending and well-being: cross-cultural evidence for a psychological universal. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2013 Apr;104(4):635-52.

6. “It’s Good to Be Good: Science Says So” by Dr. Stephen Post